Enter Exile: The Survivors
Ok, so from what I can gather, the new season of survivor is leaning heavily towards physical strength in the competitors. There's a lumberjack, a karate expert, a former fighter pilot, a "star athlete", a gymnast, a yoga expert, and a couple other assorted frat boy jocks. Mentally the group includes an author, a student of survivor, and a rocket scientist. And ya know what? NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE FIRE WHEN THE TIME COMES! Call me crazy, but if I knew I was going on Survivor, I wouldn't be doing anything other than running, swimming, holding my breath underwater, and learning to make fire until the day CBS picked me up from the airport. Having said that, here are the competitors:
ARAS: 24 yr. old UC Irvine Grad with an MBA and a D1 Basketball scholarship. He's also a yoga instructor and just crunchy enough to be that guy that all the girls love. He will either be voted out early on for being too pretty, or will win the whole thing when the girls implode because he's too pretty. Fun Fact: His name is Sara backwards! (Is this the clue hidden on exile island?!)
AUSTIN: 24 yr. old NC author who used to play soccer in college. He describes himself as the man, and will probably be one of the more annoying characters on the show that all female viewers will want to marry/adopt.
BOBBY: 32 yr. old attorney from South Central LA. Bobby wins my favorite survivor nomination right off the bat because he appeared on Blind Date in 1998 and one of his favorite scents is "single malt scotch." Three of his friends were shot in LA, so he had to be strong and smart to survive and get the hell out to Stanford Law. He's already won Survivor: LA, so why not win Survivor: Exile Island? Too bad he'll be voted out first because he's black.
BRUCE: Bruce is a 58 yr old karate instructor with a fifth-degree blackbelt. This proves my point that Survivor is seriously in need of hand-to-hand combat challenges/random attacks. He's also a high school art teacher and has a kickass ponytail.
CIRIE: 35 yr old Cirie is my pick for the longshot victor. She's an RN in Jersey, but is the only one who says she swims regularly and she actually lost 30 lbs once she found out she was going to be on the show. It's tough to say how big that leaves her, but who knows what could happen. Unfortunately, she has the "I'm doing this to improve my family's life" stigma and she's black, so the odds are way against her.
COURTNEY: 31 yr. old hippie gymnast turned performance artist, she teaches fire dancing rituals to celebrate the ancient art form of self expression. She's my pick to drive everyone else EFFING NUTS, but she also likes Cap'n Crunch mixed with granola so-- no wait, yeah, effing nuts.
DAN: 52 yrs old and tied for my favorite character pre-first episode. Dan is a retired ASTRONAUT who BUILDS ROBOTS FOR HIS OWN COMPANY. In other words, whether or not he wins survivor, Dan's robot army will rule us all. His favorite actor is Tom Hanks and actress is Sandra Bullock. He's a Red Sox fan, loves Ender's Game, and eats Cap'n Crunch probably because that used to be his handle as an astronaut. Gimme a ring and a crowded city because ::whisper:: I LOVE THIS MAN.
DANIELLE: 24 yr old Medical Sales Rep who loves the Pats, the Sox, and Scarface. She's the token Boston Rob this season, and although she kickboxes, it's to workout, and that's not what Jean Claude would have called kickboxing.
MELINDA: 32 yr old tennessee singer who mysteriously "entertained at Six Flags" when she was younger. She also performed at Dollywood (as in Dolly Parton) and looks like if Paris Hilton couldn't release gas from her system and started inflating. But she likes Sean Connery, tetris, and frogger, so I got nothing against her.
MISTY: 24 yr old who looks like the woman who blew up the plane at the beginning of the first season of 24 aka hot. She was Miss Teen USA and is now an engineer. Her favorite shows are 24 and Survivor, but her favorite candy bar is 3 Musketeers which is just ignorant. Misty's a wild card until future notice.
NICK: 25 yr old who will probably go by STANBURY (last name). STANBURY is a Wyoming/Montana man who wants to go on survivor to learn about himself and "meet smart and beautiful women." Aren't there AA meetings for that sorta thing? STANBURY could pose a threat, especially with his affinity towards Grape Nuts and The Olsen Twins.
RUTH MARIE: 48 yr old Director of Retail Leasing which is most likely the title they give you when they mean, "you used to be Miss Teen America and kinda look like Michelle Pfeifer and your flight attendant past doesn't quite qualify you for-- ok, here's a job." She's also really into Candy Land.
SALLY: 27 yr old social worker from Chicago who LOVES Survivor! I mean, she LOVES it! So much so that her friends allegedly call her Survivor Sal, a name which instilled a lawsuit from Holocaust Survivor Salvador Berkowitz.
SHANE: 35 yr old who has the advantage of being named SHANE POWERS. He is the owner of an entertainment marketing company and drew the uber-mysterious line, "Powers currently resides in Los Angeles under the watchful eye of his son, Boston," from the writers at CBS. He thinks he can win because he can manipulate people without them being resentful, and he thinks he looks like Colin Farrel even though that isn't at all the case. I'm thinkin' SHANE POWERS is kind of a dick, but we'll see how it goes.
TERRY: 46 yr old FROM (HOLY CRAP) MY HOME TOWN!! I think Terry's kids went to my elemetary school! He's an ex-navy fighter pilot turned airline pilot who says without any irony that his favorite football team is THE JETS!! Terry "Iceman" Deitz is gonna go far, I can feel it.
TINA: The most dangerous 45 yr old you will ever meet. Tina is a logging sports performer, which at first I thought meant...well I didn't know what it meant. But it turns out it means she enters lumberjack competitions and was named to the "Chicks with Axes" team which is easily cooler than anything I could ever claim to be a part of. This once again proves my point that Survivor needs more hand-to-ax combat/random attacks challenges. She also likes Pac-Man.
So that's it. Those are the competitors. Tomorrow night the glory and adventure of Survivor: Exile Island will begin, and we will find out which of these summaries was a waste of my time. Enjoy.
Future Ex-Astronaut/Fighter Pilot/Fifth-Degree Blackbelt,
Witz
ARAS: 24 yr. old UC Irvine Grad with an MBA and a D1 Basketball scholarship. He's also a yoga instructor and just crunchy enough to be that guy that all the girls love. He will either be voted out early on for being too pretty, or will win the whole thing when the girls implode because he's too pretty. Fun Fact: His name is Sara backwards! (Is this the clue hidden on exile island?!)
AUSTIN: 24 yr. old NC author who used to play soccer in college. He describes himself as the man, and will probably be one of the more annoying characters on the show that all female viewers will want to marry/adopt.
BOBBY: 32 yr. old attorney from South Central LA. Bobby wins my favorite survivor nomination right off the bat because he appeared on Blind Date in 1998 and one of his favorite scents is "single malt scotch." Three of his friends were shot in LA, so he had to be strong and smart to survive and get the hell out to Stanford Law. He's already won Survivor: LA, so why not win Survivor: Exile Island? Too bad he'll be voted out first because he's black.
BRUCE: Bruce is a 58 yr old karate instructor with a fifth-degree blackbelt. This proves my point that Survivor is seriously in need of hand-to-hand combat challenges/random attacks. He's also a high school art teacher and has a kickass ponytail.
CIRIE: 35 yr old Cirie is my pick for the longshot victor. She's an RN in Jersey, but is the only one who says she swims regularly and she actually lost 30 lbs once she found out she was going to be on the show. It's tough to say how big that leaves her, but who knows what could happen. Unfortunately, she has the "I'm doing this to improve my family's life" stigma and she's black, so the odds are way against her.
COURTNEY: 31 yr. old hippie gymnast turned performance artist, she teaches fire dancing rituals to celebrate the ancient art form of self expression. She's my pick to drive everyone else EFFING NUTS, but she also likes Cap'n Crunch mixed with granola so-- no wait, yeah, effing nuts.
DAN: 52 yrs old and tied for my favorite character pre-first episode. Dan is a retired ASTRONAUT who BUILDS ROBOTS FOR HIS OWN COMPANY. In other words, whether or not he wins survivor, Dan's robot army will rule us all. His favorite actor is Tom Hanks and actress is Sandra Bullock. He's a Red Sox fan, loves Ender's Game, and eats Cap'n Crunch probably because that used to be his handle as an astronaut. Gimme a ring and a crowded city because ::whisper:: I LOVE THIS MAN.
DANIELLE: 24 yr old Medical Sales Rep who loves the Pats, the Sox, and Scarface. She's the token Boston Rob this season, and although she kickboxes, it's to workout, and that's not what Jean Claude would have called kickboxing.
MELINDA: 32 yr old tennessee singer who mysteriously "entertained at Six Flags" when she was younger. She also performed at Dollywood (as in Dolly Parton) and looks like if Paris Hilton couldn't release gas from her system and started inflating. But she likes Sean Connery, tetris, and frogger, so I got nothing against her.
MISTY: 24 yr old who looks like the woman who blew up the plane at the beginning of the first season of 24 aka hot. She was Miss Teen USA and is now an engineer. Her favorite shows are 24 and Survivor, but her favorite candy bar is 3 Musketeers which is just ignorant. Misty's a wild card until future notice.
NICK: 25 yr old who will probably go by STANBURY (last name). STANBURY is a Wyoming/Montana man who wants to go on survivor to learn about himself and "meet smart and beautiful women." Aren't there AA meetings for that sorta thing? STANBURY could pose a threat, especially with his affinity towards Grape Nuts and The Olsen Twins.
RUTH MARIE: 48 yr old Director of Retail Leasing which is most likely the title they give you when they mean, "you used to be Miss Teen America and kinda look like Michelle Pfeifer and your flight attendant past doesn't quite qualify you for-- ok, here's a job." She's also really into Candy Land.
SALLY: 27 yr old social worker from Chicago who LOVES Survivor! I mean, she LOVES it! So much so that her friends allegedly call her Survivor Sal, a name which instilled a lawsuit from Holocaust Survivor Salvador Berkowitz.
SHANE: 35 yr old who has the advantage of being named SHANE POWERS. He is the owner of an entertainment marketing company and drew the uber-mysterious line, "Powers currently resides in Los Angeles under the watchful eye of his son, Boston," from the writers at CBS. He thinks he can win because he can manipulate people without them being resentful, and he thinks he looks like Colin Farrel even though that isn't at all the case. I'm thinkin' SHANE POWERS is kind of a dick, but we'll see how it goes.
TERRY: 46 yr old FROM (HOLY CRAP) MY HOME TOWN!! I think Terry's kids went to my elemetary school! He's an ex-navy fighter pilot turned airline pilot who says without any irony that his favorite football team is THE JETS!! Terry "Iceman" Deitz is gonna go far, I can feel it.
TINA: The most dangerous 45 yr old you will ever meet. Tina is a logging sports performer, which at first I thought meant...well I didn't know what it meant. But it turns out it means she enters lumberjack competitions and was named to the "Chicks with Axes" team which is easily cooler than anything I could ever claim to be a part of. This once again proves my point that Survivor needs more hand-to-ax combat/random attacks challenges. She also likes Pac-Man.
So that's it. Those are the competitors. Tomorrow night the glory and adventure of Survivor: Exile Island will begin, and we will find out which of these summaries was a waste of my time. Enjoy.
Future Ex-Astronaut/Fighter Pilot/Fifth-Degree Blackbelt,
Witz
posted by Witz at 1:52 PM
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