Week Three: Bruce Almighty!

Holy crap, Survivor is amazing. You have to understand, i haven't always been a fan. I used to loathe the show and cringe even at the mention of its name. Then, as a joke I got into it a few seasons ago, threw all caution to the wind during All-Stars and am now primed for what could possibly be the best survivor season ever. There, i've said it. Now I know i'm getting ahead of myself, but with week three in the books, the moons are aligning in just the right way for a terrific season. Here are a few highlights from the episode as proof:

La Mina, La Pinta, La Santa Maria:
La Mina, roughtly translated into English as "The Mina" consists of Austin, Dan, Nick, Ruth Marie, Sally, Terry, and Misty. Out of all of these competitors, I don't hate any of them. Sure, the younger guys seem to be lacking in general personality and differentiation, but they haven't done anything wrong yet. This is big. Terry "The Air Up There" Dietz is tremendous and singlehandedly brought home the reward challenge. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. It should also be noted that the reward challenge looked extremely fun (jumping off a beam into the water to catch slingshot launched Koosh balls) and once again has me preparing to videotape myself for next season's auditions. The only annoying bit about La Mina is Misty, and frankly, NOT A PROBLEM! Having lost the immunity challenge (see below), Misty the would be flirt was quickly voted out of the tribe, leaving Michelle Pfeifer lookalike Ruth Marie just out of harms way.

Casaya:
Aras, Bobby, Bruce, Shane, Cirie, Courtney, Danielle. Ok. That's the fam. Casaya has just enough hate-ems to make me know who I want out, but more than enough love-ems to make me root for them. Courtney is worse than I predicted and hopefully will demand to be sent home in the near future. Cirie is completely expendable, which is great in case a vote is necessary, and Danielle is solely there for the eye candy as far as I can see. So here are some more points leading to a great season:

-Danielle: I have no never had any idea how to tell real boobs from fake boobs. Having said that, Danielle is on the island solely for her fake boobs, and the popping out incident at immunity this week is only the first of a long line of blurred images we should expect to see on a weekly basis.

-Shane: Up until this week, I didn't know what to do with this guy, but you know what? I love him. Shane is that insane heroine, rock-star uncle you didn't know existed until he jacked the DJ's turntables at your Bar-Mitzvah. That doesn't ring true? Ok, then he's Tommy Lee like I said before. The dude quit smoking to be on the island, so he's going crazy, plus I get the feeling he was always crazy, PLUS COURTNEY IS DRIVING HIM CRAZY! The Shane Craze is all I could have hoped, as this week he laid claim to a rock. "Shane's Thinking Rock" he announced, and asked if he could have this rock all to himself. Inexplicably, Courtney had to ask why only he could sit on it, leading into a rant by Shane including "WHY CANT THIS BE MY ROCK! I JUST WANT THIS ROCK! WHY CANT I HAVE THIS ROCK! WHY CANT I HAVE MY ROCK! DO YOU WANT THE ROCK! FINE! HAVE THE ROCK!" This proves that even without heroine, a band, and Pamela Anderson, Shane will never ever give up "the rock."

-BRUCE!!! Bruce is my God. There I said it. After three days on exile island, Bruce returned to camp, showed everyone that he could do everything, purified water for the whole tribe, and then was quickly selected by La Mina to be sent back to exile island for another three days during torrential downpours. And ya know what? He's still gonna dominate. Fact: The secret of Exile Island is a trick. Bruce IS the immunity idol. Fact: Bruce once karate-chopped a whole in the universe just so he had a place to store all his karate trophies. Fact: Bruce beat The Wiz.

Finally: The Immunity Challenge
Oh so much to say here. First of all, I've been waiting for a challenge like this for a long time. Physical challenges can be more than sliding down an oversized plaster nose to grab a red flag. They can also be bastions of survivor glory like this week's immunity challenge. Groups were sent to wrestle and battle each other on their way to digging up a sand bag and bringing it back to their circle for a point. Three points won. With such a stacked physical group, it's about time survivor let out the big dogs. Seeing Bobby battling Terry battling Danielle was incredible. Even scrawny Dan got in on the action, letting lose his astronaut kung fu to battle off even the tiniest of women. Aras busted out an alleged "yoga move" as Probst called it, to force an opponent's leg to release allowing him to bring back the bag. I do believe, however, that the minute Aras used a yoga move, Bruce should have been allowed to use a karate move. People kept shouting, "Bruce, use your karate" in incredibly non-karate oriented moments, like to tackle a guy from behind or to run faster, when he should have been free to unleash his duel powered hand cannons of fury on Austin, Nick, and Misty. Still, the battle was well fought and the finale was even better.

The final point of the immunity challenge was socially and culturally amazing. Ruth Marie grabbed the sand bag and bolted back towards her circle for what would be the winning point. The only one able to chase her down was Bobby. This led to the smallest, oldest, whitest white woman gripping the bag and sprinting desperately towards safety with a panicked expression on her face while being chased by the biggest, blackest man on the island. Meanwhile, the entire team is screaming GO BOBBY! GO BOBBY! GO BOBBY! This is the only time you will ever see a big black man chasing down a small white woman and hear people cheering on the black man. And I think it set off some innate cultural (not racist, but socialized) reaction in people watching at home. My girlfriend started screaming GO RUTH, RUN, RUN, RUN! at the television even though she didn't really care who won the competition. I started feeling uncomfortable and getting nervous for Ruth to get to the finish line. Maybe it was the panicked look on her face, but I swear that if you look at Bobby, even he knew what was up. You can see the "Oh shit, even I'M feeling uncomfortable about this" face. He seemed to be running about 50% and definitely pulled up when he realized America was about to watch a 250 pound black man tackle a 100 pound white woman from behind. That's just too many variables people aren't comfortable with. Instead, he slowed down and at the last instand grabbed her shirt and casually tossed her into his circle to win the challenge for his team. It was an amazing challenge with an even more interesting ending, and that's more than you can say for Deal or No Deal.

So those are where the chips lie as week four approaches. This season has all the makings of a great one, and I'm in it for the long haul. Between Bruce Almighty, Everybody Loves Austin, Fleeing Ruth Marie, The Crazy Shane (Woo! Woo! Alll aboard!), Fucking Courtney (I just hate her), and yes, between Courtney's to be named laters, I'm ready for anything. Until next week, keep on keepin' on.

Witz

Sorry for the Delay

I've been busy and now sick, but thanks to my superior knowledge of the VCR I have last week's episode taped and I will post as soon as I feel sane enough. It will be a double duty post as tonight is another episode of this epic season.

Just like Survivor, I'm Sick
Witz

Exile Island: Weak One

Something was lacking in the Survivor: Exile Island premiere last night. Maybe it was the fact that they didn't arrive via boat, or that it felt like we were joining the show midseason. Or maybe it was the fact that there are only four young women and four young men competing this season to kick out the old folks. Whatever it was, there was a certain vibe missing from this season's opener.

Having said that, here's my brief rundown. Much like the show itself, The Young Men showed us all very little in their debut, but Bobby still looks like the man and I have faith in him. Aras made the guys put their hands NEAR each other and tried to build some reverse-psychological homophobic trust in the tribe. They also failed at all the things I said they'd fail at such as fire building (WITH FLINT AND A MACHETE PROVIDED!!!) and at FORT BUILDING which I always assumed was an innate skill at least in young men.

Old Men: LOVE EM. My top three favorite competitors are on the Old Men (Terry, Dan, Bruce). They're old but capable and immediately had a roaring fire and I can only assume a kickass shelter. In addition, Dan the astronaut and Terry, the navy fighter pilot have become best friends forever and shared their ev-er-y secret with each other. That's just sweet. PLUS Bruce lived up to my every hope and dream as he cut wood like a champ and put the fear of God into his tribe-mates. Granted, the "Colin Farrell look alike" who actually looks WAAAY more like Tommy Lee is out of hand and will probably commit suicide-by-Bruce, but they don't need him anyway. My money's on the old men to come through in the clutch and provide the most excitement this season.

Unfortunately, my money was also vaguely on Sassy Cirie to step up and be the dark horse competitor...well, as I said, she lost thirty pounds, but I don't know where that leaves her. The answer, it turned out, was not at one-hundred-twenty-five pounds. She looks like she just ate the one-hundred-twenty-five pounder with cheese at McDonald's. Still, judge not lest ye be...chosen to be on survivor...which would be AWESOME! As soon as I saw her flop off into the water and fail to swim I knew that she'd led me on and she's dead to me.

Meanwhile, Courtney has fulfilled my every expectation on the Young Women team, as she drew a heart around a dead sea turtle in the sand. She immediately let everyone know that she is, in fact, effing nuts, and i'm glad that got out quickly. Unfortunately, they made Misty stay on the island via a rock/paper/scissors competition which is impossible to actually do with 3 people. ODDS/EVENS people! COME ON! While on the island, Misty was given the clue, "Why did Fate choose to leave you behind?" She assumed this meant that the idol was burried behind her, but I think the truth is that the idol is BURIED IN HER OWN ASS! It would certainly be a "twist that will turn strategy on its head," like Jeff Probst informed us. The other possibility, of course, is that Jeff simply meant, "why would you get chosen to stay on the island with me? Hmm...?" Jeff's already hooked up with one former Survivor female, so maybe he's got a little something set up for this season. Anyway, I hate this team and hopefully they will lose early and often.

Speaking of losing, the Old Women stereotypically failed at following schematics and so had to vote someone out. For their sake, I hope there isn't a competition where a VCR Timer has to be set. Due to this loss, the tribe immediately voted out Tina my lumber"jill" favorite who was clearly the most capable in the tribe. Luckily before she was voted out she lived up to my every expectation when she said the line, "She ain't a smasher," of Ruth Marie during the reward challenge. It turns out that Ruth Marie IS a smasher, however, and maybe that's why they voted out Tina who was probably as pissed as I was at the lack of an ax-based immunity challenge.

That's all from me for week one. Hopefully by now we all know who we hate and who we love and that's a good place to start. Until next post, keep your sea turtles safe and make way for BRUCE.

Third Degree Ax-Belt-and-Chief,
Witz

Enter Exile: The Survivors

Ok, so from what I can gather, the new season of survivor is leaning heavily towards physical strength in the competitors. There's a lumberjack, a karate expert, a former fighter pilot, a "star athlete", a gymnast, a yoga expert, and a couple other assorted frat boy jocks. Mentally the group includes an author, a student of survivor, and a rocket scientist. And ya know what? NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE FIRE WHEN THE TIME COMES! Call me crazy, but if I knew I was going on Survivor, I wouldn't be doing anything other than running, swimming, holding my breath underwater, and learning to make fire until the day CBS picked me up from the airport. Having said that, here are the competitors:

ARAS: 24 yr. old UC Irvine Grad with an MBA and a D1 Basketball scholarship. He's also a yoga instructor and just crunchy enough to be that guy that all the girls love. He will either be voted out early on for being too pretty, or will win the whole thing when the girls implode because he's too pretty. Fun Fact: His name is Sara backwards! (Is this the clue hidden on exile island?!)

AUSTIN: 24 yr. old NC author who used to play soccer in college. He describes himself as the man, and will probably be one of the more annoying characters on the show that all female viewers will want to marry/adopt.

BOBBY: 32 yr. old attorney from South Central LA. Bobby wins my favorite survivor nomination right off the bat because he appeared on Blind Date in 1998 and one of his favorite scents is "single malt scotch." Three of his friends were shot in LA, so he had to be strong and smart to survive and get the hell out to Stanford Law. He's already won Survivor: LA, so why not win Survivor: Exile Island? Too bad he'll be voted out first because he's black.

BRUCE: Bruce is a 58 yr old karate instructor with a fifth-degree blackbelt. This proves my point that Survivor is seriously in need of hand-to-hand combat challenges/random attacks. He's also a high school art teacher and has a kickass ponytail.

CIRIE: 35 yr old Cirie is my pick for the longshot victor. She's an RN in Jersey, but is the only one who says she swims regularly and she actually lost 30 lbs once she found out she was going to be on the show. It's tough to say how big that leaves her, but who knows what could happen. Unfortunately, she has the "I'm doing this to improve my family's life" stigma and she's black, so the odds are way against her.

COURTNEY: 31 yr. old hippie gymnast turned performance artist, she teaches fire dancing rituals to celebrate the ancient art form of self expression. She's my pick to drive everyone else EFFING NUTS, but she also likes Cap'n Crunch mixed with granola so-- no wait, yeah, effing nuts.

DAN: 52 yrs old and tied for my favorite character pre-first episode. Dan is a retired ASTRONAUT who BUILDS ROBOTS FOR HIS OWN COMPANY. In other words, whether or not he wins survivor, Dan's robot army will rule us all. His favorite actor is Tom Hanks and actress is Sandra Bullock. He's a Red Sox fan, loves Ender's Game, and eats Cap'n Crunch probably because that used to be his handle as an astronaut. Gimme a ring and a crowded city because ::whisper:: I LOVE THIS MAN.

DANIELLE: 24 yr old Medical Sales Rep who loves the Pats, the Sox, and Scarface. She's the token Boston Rob this season, and although she kickboxes, it's to workout, and that's not what Jean Claude would have called kickboxing.

MELINDA: 32 yr old tennessee singer who mysteriously "entertained at Six Flags" when she was younger. She also performed at Dollywood (as in Dolly Parton) and looks like if Paris Hilton couldn't release gas from her system and started inflating. But she likes Sean Connery, tetris, and frogger, so I got nothing against her.

MISTY: 24 yr old who looks like the woman who blew up the plane at the beginning of the first season of 24 aka hot. She was Miss Teen USA and is now an engineer. Her favorite shows are 24 and Survivor, but her favorite candy bar is 3 Musketeers which is just ignorant. Misty's a wild card until future notice.

NICK: 25 yr old who will probably go by STANBURY (last name). STANBURY is a Wyoming/Montana man who wants to go on survivor to learn about himself and "meet smart and beautiful women." Aren't there AA meetings for that sorta thing? STANBURY could pose a threat, especially with his affinity towards Grape Nuts and The Olsen Twins.

RUTH MARIE: 48 yr old Director of Retail Leasing which is most likely the title they give you when they mean, "you used to be Miss Teen America and kinda look like Michelle Pfeifer and your flight attendant past doesn't quite qualify you for-- ok, here's a job." She's also really into Candy Land.

SALLY: 27 yr old social worker from Chicago who LOVES Survivor! I mean, she LOVES it! So much so that her friends allegedly call her Survivor Sal, a name which instilled a lawsuit from Holocaust Survivor Salvador Berkowitz.

SHANE: 35 yr old who has the advantage of being named SHANE POWERS. He is the owner of an entertainment marketing company and drew the uber-mysterious line, "Powers currently resides in Los Angeles under the watchful eye of his son, Boston," from the writers at CBS. He thinks he can win because he can manipulate people without them being resentful, and he thinks he looks like Colin Farrel even though that isn't at all the case. I'm thinkin' SHANE POWERS is kind of a dick, but we'll see how it goes.

TERRY: 46 yr old FROM (HOLY CRAP) MY HOME TOWN!! I think Terry's kids went to my elemetary school! He's an ex-navy fighter pilot turned airline pilot who says without any irony that his favorite football team is THE JETS!! Terry "Iceman" Deitz is gonna go far, I can feel it.

TINA: The most dangerous 45 yr old you will ever meet. Tina is a logging sports performer, which at first I thought meant...well I didn't know what it meant. But it turns out it means she enters lumberjack competitions and was named to the "Chicks with Axes" team which is easily cooler than anything I could ever claim to be a part of. This once again proves my point that Survivor needs more hand-to-ax combat/random attacks challenges. She also likes Pac-Man.

So that's it. Those are the competitors. Tomorrow night the glory and adventure of Survivor: Exile Island will begin, and we will find out which of these summaries was a waste of my time. Enjoy.

Future Ex-Astronaut/Fighter Pilot/Fifth-Degree Blackbelt,
Witz

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